SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
