two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
