My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
