I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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