Buhtt sex?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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