There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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