the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
