Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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