She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
