My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
