And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
