shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
