Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
