I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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