glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
