Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
