wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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