if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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