Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
