My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
