I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
and she was petting her beer can
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
