She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
