...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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