i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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