I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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