So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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