is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
