i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
