is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
