ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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