I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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