I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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