I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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