My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
