Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
