I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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