watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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