i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You did what with his pubic hair?
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