According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
