youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
