dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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