The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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