wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
