i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
