If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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