I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
