I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
