I'm so fucking centered right now
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
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