Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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