I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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